Thoughts And Feelings

Thoughts And Feelings I Have Today.

I have sat reading some blogs and have decided that maybe I could put some thoughts down on what I feel today.

Having just recently moved to Somerset from Devon, I have felt a lot better,  I felt trapped in Devon because we lived in the sticks and down a big track I couldn't get out and didn't see anyone especially when my knee became bad.

Living now in Taunton I love it, I've become nosy lol, I can look out of the window where we live and see whats going on outside, seeing the arguments over parking is fun And when Lucy and I go out its great because we just have to go out of the door and round the corner and we are in the town.

Lucy is coming out to her work on  Tuesday 3 July and after this I will feel content. This is due to the fact that there is no more hiding away wondering if we go out that we will meet anyone she knows and have to explain things She has told everyone then, no-one else has to be told.
I must admit though it will seem strange to see Lucy in her work clothes and coming home as "Lucy" instead of "Bob". We have been picking out her work clothes for  a couple of weeks and this has been fun as some of them have been transferred to the wardrobe instead of the work drawer.

Epilation And Electrolysis.

All I can say to this thought is OOOOUUUUCCCCHH. I got teased with Lucy's eplilator  once on my arm and didn't feel anything for about two or three seconds, then the pain set in OMG it felt like my arm was on fire, I came out in a rash and have been terrified of it ever since. If lucy takes the epilator out I cringe.

The first time Lucy asked me to epilate her back I burst into tears because I knew I was going to hurt her But now it doesnt bother me in fact I feel quite evil doing it  and as long as it doesn't go near me I'm fine.
Electrolysis hhhmmmmm by what I have read and been told this is very painful and I really do admire anyone who has this. I once saw a tv programme that showed this poor person having it done "somewhere", I was nearly sick lol.

Whats Next.

I must admit to be excited about "Lucy's Birthday" as I'm calling it, this happens on Wednesday 4 July and we have got a lot planned that week afterwards as well. I think she really deserves the attention she is going to get and hope all goes well.
As for me, I'm just enjoying life at the moment and until I see the consultant about my knee on the 18 July everything is in limbo as I dont know what is going to happen to me.

I hope you have enjoyed reading my blog. The reason I have done it is so that  I can improve my writing skills, these have not been used a lot in the last eight years, due to being in a job that I didn't have to use them that much And they have gone downhill rapidly.  If you have any suggestions or anything that you would like to see  on this blog or you would just like a chat I'd love you to get in touch.

The First photo is me having a conversation with a snake on holiday in the lake district that we had last year.. This was the best holiday Lucy and I have had so far.
The second photo is me outside Ambleside pier in the lake district again.

Don't forget you catch up with my partners life on her website which is here.

Visit To The Employment Officer

 These Two photo's are one from this year in the garden, the second one taken last year in a day trip to Bournemouth.

 

Visit To The Employment Officer.

I got dropped off at the corner and slowly made my way to entrance A at the jobcentre in Taunton like I had been told to. There I got a shock! There were two security officers waiting to assist me. One of them checked that my name was on the list,  I got escorted in by the other one. I couldn't sit down on the chair that the security officer offered me, this was due to it being very low and having no arms ( I have been having real problems getting up from low chairs), so the guard went off into one of the empty offices and got me a office chair. He was very cheerful about this and I had a feeling he enjoyed looking after me.

I only had to wait for a few minutes though and I was called to a desk. I was laughing when I got to the desk as the security guard had to help me up off the chair (good job he was there).

When the employment officer had settled me down, she went all through my details and checked my C.V. and told me what other details were needed.  We then had a talk about what I wanted to do and gave me some advice on voluntary work. She advised me the voluntary work I wanted to do wasn't right for me at that moment due to my disability of my mobility problem.
She then asked me what was it that I really wanted to do and said that maybe an appointment with the careers office would be helpful. So an appointment was made for next Monday (2 July) at 2.00pm. I was told that they would give me a skills check and suggest some jobs or voluntary work that I would be able to do.
An appointment was made to see her again on the 16 July and then I was escorted out by the security guard who was quite chatty and said "good luck".

I will update my blog now twice a week on things that are going on in my life. Next week is going to be very busy for  Lucy and I, so I may update things more than that.  xxxxx

The First Visit To Sophies

The First Visit To Sophies.

We set off early that day so we would get there on time. My butterflies in my tummy got worse as we neared the place where we needed to go. If I felt like this what on earth did Lucy feel like? The poor thing I felt for her, as one minute she was just showing this dressing service to me on the internet the next I had phoned the lady booked a date and time and included me in the makeover as well I think she took it quite well  lol.

Lucy found the address just fine and as we both got out of the car there was the Lady called Juliette standing waiting for us. If I remember rightly Lucy was in male mode so we had loads of bags of clothes and make-up and jewellery to take out of the car.

All of us had a cup of tea and both Lucy and I started to relax, after the cup of tea and a massive chat Lucy went downstairs to get changed into her first outfit and then went and had her makeover done.
I was shown into the lounge and gosh I was in my element, there was a big t.v. with Sky HD, I settled down to watch a film. After an hour Lucy came out and "WOW" she looked stunning and looked like a model I couldn't believe it was her. After Juliette gave us a fantastic lunch it was my turn for the makeover.

I was led into this side room which was full of wigs, clothes, make-up, a bit like our bedroom at home, so I settled into a chair and Juliette did her magic. After the makeover I was allowed to look at myself to see what I looked like and I was speechless "OMG is that really me" I said "yep" Juliette replyed. To say I was in shock is an understatement and I quietly went into the lounge where Lucy was waiting for me.

Then the hard work began and the photo's were taken we were put in all sorts of positions and at one point we asked to go out on the decking which was quite high and I was asked to get on a stool, Lucy then decided to tickle me I had to grab hold of her in case I fell and Juliette took the photo I have put up here. by the end of the day both of us were tired.
 Lucy and I had booked a couple of days in a Premier inn so it was great to go outside dressed and made-up. I must admit though I was scared for Lucy as this was the first time that we had gone anywhere made up as we where now.

Lucy as usual though just sailed through the reception but I know she was nervous, what I thought funny was a day before she had signed in at reception dressed as Bob  and left the reception as Bob that day and yet here she was dressed and made up as Lucy talking to the same receptionist at the desk.

We have made may more visits to Sophie's and have enjoyed everyone of them and constantly she makes us feel like super stars, we would recommend her to anyone.

How I Now Feel About Things.

Since Lucy has come out to me and things have settled down I feel very content with life, we have our arguments and once I remember one that makes me chuckle now. It was about some bra's in ASDA I can't exactly remember what started it But I do know that Lucy was in Bob mode and had plucked up enough courage to look at the bra's with me. After the argument I started to laugh because we must've looked so funny with lucy holding a bra and me arguing with her about it. Typical couple eh!

I don't like going out now without Lucy dressed, I made the mistake once on my birthday when lucy took me to my birthplace and she asked me "do you want me to be Bob or Lucy"
. I said " Bob" so that's how it was, we both felt that we couldn't look round the shops properly and I couldn't look at clothes or make-up without feeling unease. I promised myself then that I preferred going out with lucy and I felt closer to her.

I have had loads of health problems caused by me having diabetes which wasn't treated properly in my early life. I didn't go onto insulin until I moved in with lucy and now because of this late treatment it has effected me.  So when I go to the doc's I always ask Lucy to come with me if she can and if she isn't dressed which sometimes does happen I again feel really uneasy and so does Lucy.

Lucy is going to go full time on July 4 this year she is telling her workplace, as she is going to have to transition there.  I wish her well in that and hope things go smoothly.

Unfortunately due to a bad knee I have to use a wheelchair or crutches and poor Lucy has to do the pushing if I'm in the wheelchair and I do feel really low because she has to this for me. I have an appointment with a consultant to see if I can have an operation on the 18 July and hopefully he will be able to do something.

Because of my knee problem I have had to give up my work in a residential home for the elderly and now am on Employment Support Allowance But because of that I will get an interview with a Disability Employment Officer next Monday who says that she will help me to get training for a new career, so i am really looking forward to that.  I will tell you what happens with that next week.........

Introduction To my Early Years.

Introduction.

Hello there and welcome to my blog. My name is Amanda and I'm a 43 years old female I live in Somerset in the U.K and am in a long term relationship with a Male to Female transexual called Lucy.
(I'm on the left in the black blouse).

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I thought I would start writing this blog so I could show the otherside of the coin so to speak, I also have had some adventures some good some bad and would love to share them with you.

The Early Years.

I was born on the 31 December 1968 at the Princess Christian Hospital that was situated in Windsor Berkshire U.K (I have been told it was near Windsor great park  and now has become Lego land). A couple of days after I was born my grandparents were given charge of me due to the fact that my mother had post natal depression, back then it wasn't well known  about and I was thought to be in danger.  So I was placed in a loving home and thought that they were my real mum and dad and it was kept that way until I was 16 when they told me the truth.

My school days were great and I really enjoyed them and came away with 2 o'levels (G.C.S.E.'s) and 5 C.S.E.'S.  After I left school I went on a Y.T.S scheme which I really enjoyed and managed to get a job through it.
During this time my grandmother (mum as I called her) became very ill and was taken to hospital and unfortunately after an emergency operation died. So it was just my grandfather (dad) and I we looked after each other, until I made a really bad choice and decided to move out and live with a  boyfriend. My dad died 7  years ago But I did go and see him regularly before he died.

The Bad Years.

It started when I met someone at work he was Welsh and a lot older than myself but he swept me off my feet and I thought he's the one for me. I'd had a couple of  the same age  boyfriends as me but none treated me like I was royalty like he did. We got engaged and moved to his home town in South Wales. He started work as a taxi driver and we decided to get  married. I made friends with a neighbour who asked me to join a rescue team and I became busy with that, it was really rewarding and gave me a lot of confidence and kept me fit as well.

I was quite  happy and content until two years after we got married it was then I wasn't allowed out of the house, I was made to give up the rescue team.  Due to my husband being paranoid about me leaving him (I had no intentions of at that time) I couldn't  go shopping.By then my husband had bought himself a taxi company   and I had to get involved with that including stupidly putting my own money into it and paying all the bills with my credit cards. It was when another taxi company appeared that the bad times began though.

He started to shout at me when he came home asking why his tea wasn't on the table and why hadn't I taken any calls and what had I been doing all day etc...
The other taxi company started to take my husbands fares and we started to loose money this then started to get stressful and my husband decided to take it out on me physically and mentally. I'm not going to say what went on as it brings back really bad memories for me and I have tried to forget things.

I went round my friends once when my husband went round his mums (he became a real mummys boy) and she was shocked on how I had changed I cringed everytime someone came near me,  and she told me to get out while I could. I ignored this advice mostly because I had nowhere to go and I had no personal money and stayed thinking it would get better. Nobody apart from my friend knew what was going on.

 The Meeting.

It was during this time that I started talking in chat rooms on the computer and it took me out of my violent home life. I was chatting to a male and we had a real friendship starting, I invited him to south wales (with permission from husband who said yes as long as he could invite someone who he knew and was chatting to as well).
Bob came to see us and we all  had dinner  together and chatted like nothing was wrong and we swopped mobile phone numbers.  This phone number would change my life forever as that person I met in South Wales would be ten years in the future to become my loving and fantastic partner lucy.

The Attack. 

I can't remember exactly what led to the beating of a lifetime it's been a long time and due to counselling it has been put away never to return (I hope), One thing that has stayed in my memory though is the ending I was screaming so loud and my neighbours rush in and start shouting at my husband to stop. I can remember him holding a coffee table over my head and it was just inches from my head they managed to get the table off him and rush me out of the house.

After I have been taken to safety and they have calmed me down my friend asks me if there is anyone that I want to call, I called bob and ask him to come and get me please I've had enough and my husband has nearly killed me. I should've called the police I know especially with the circumstances but I just wanted to go and leave the place he did get his just deserts though.
 .

Bob turned up and rescued me took me back to his home and had to heal me mentally and it took a couple of years even now I still get nervous about certain things and sometimes get flashback's but I'm a lot better and have loads more confidence than I did. After I settled into life with Bob I divorced my husband and made myself bankrupt and in turn he was made bankrupt and due to that and the stress of me leaving him he died shortly afterwards and I have never looked back since.

The Beginning Of Lucy.

After having eight wonderful happy years living with Bob and his father I was asked to sit down one day after finishing work and was told that "Bob wanted to be Lucy" I didn't quite understand how much this would change both our lives at first but I accepted what was said.
After all bob wasn't a murderer or a criminal and so what if he wanted to look nice. Things then started to go fast Lucy became just part-time at first and a lot of things were bought for her!
Our bedroom became a wig store, make-up department, and a whole new wardrobe was brought for both of us , as we could share our new clothes. I was beginning to enjoy myself  But then something struck me and I began to cry, I have never put make up on, dressed up in fantastic dresses not even wore perfume. This really effected me for a while as it was a whole new world I was getting into and I was scared.

Lucy then showed me a dressing service that she had found on the internet and asked whether I liked the look of it and should we try it. The next day I phoned it and the lady on the telephone phoned me back put me at my ease and talked to me for at least an hour and a half, we booked a session with her.........
I will tell you what happened next week.